Sunday, August 28, 2016

And the Heartache Continues

I thought I was starting to come to terms with my mom's passing. I know I will never get over it. I miss her constantly. But this week something happened that made it worse. We found out that my cousin needs surgery to correct a cerebrospinal fluid leak. The surgery sounds rather non-invasive and from what I can tell the worst possible complication is that it doesn't actually fix the leak and a different approach will be needed. 

Now female in my family has anxiety issues. Two of us treat our issues. We seek therapy and take mild sedatives as needed. My mother never wanted to take a sedative, but I thought I had convinced her it was in her best interest not to let little things like a washing machine not working properly get her to a point that her hands were shaking and she couldn't move the laundry from the broken machine to the working machine. I had begged and pleaded with her to take one pill each morning so when something upset her it didn't result in a full blown panic attack. She told me she would do it because she loved me. Each time she would call and seem a little flustered I would ask, "did you take your pill?" She swore she did. Regularly. 

So my cousin who needs the surgery was given a slightly stronger sedative because her anxiety is not being well controlled. She won't take it and her husband asked me to talk to her. So I did. I only want what is best, and I don't feel allowing your heart to race and your blood pressure to rise against the direction of the doctor is a good idea. Especially while you are preparing for surgery. So my cousin tells me, "Well, you know your mother never took her pill. She flushed them down the drain."

This has upset me on multiple levels. 

One - my cousin should have told me while my mother was alive. My mother was complaining about being tired, which her doctor and I partially attributed to the sedative. If we knew she wasn't taking it... So the thought keeps running through my mind, would she still be alive?

Two - I guess she didn't really love me. She said she would take it because she loved me, but she didn't take it. And she found it easy to lie to my face every day about it. And I can't ever get closure to this cause she is gone. 

Three - She told my cousin the truth. So I feel like she loved my cousin and trusted her more than me.

Four - Why would my cousin tell me this, now? You kept the secret while my mother was alive. Telling me might have kept her alive longer. But now you tell me why? So I know that she loved you more than me?

I'm sorry to have used this entry as a therapy session, But if anyone has any words that you think might help, please share. If anything, writing this down makes me realize I definitely need to go back to my therapist. And maybe get back on my anti-depressants. I guess the reason I wrote this is that I am working on The Faces of Joan Elliott SAL. I've been working on this for about a year as a gift for my cousin! Part of me wants to just throw it away. 

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Time Still Moving Too Fast for Me

Still not sure where the time is going! One thing I do know is I have lost some time this week with the Olympics. I guess I am still a child of the cold war, and the Olympics mean everything to me. I've been thinking a lot about watching them with my parents back in the '70s rooting for the USA and rooting against the USSR. It's actually been bringing back a lot of great memories of time spent with my father. He was the one who gave me my love of sports, and we spent the most time together either reading, talking about books, or watching sports.

When I have not been sitting glued to the TV I've been getting in a little work in on my Faces of Joan Elliott SAL. I really need to get this done. Was hoping to get this finished and made into a pillow for my cousin's birthday in November.I think if I stick with it for a few weeks in a row I might actually pull it off. If not, hopefully it will be ready for Christmas... maybe Valentine's Day.

I've also used another of my aperture cards for a birthday card for my 12-year old cousin. Thanks to Annie and Jo for the card making suggestions! I will definitely be looking at the sites suggested for future cards. This one is pretty basic and simple, but since my family knows my lack of creativity, I think they will be very impressed (ha, ha).

We were not scheduled to attend her birthday party, so I didn't have a card. We were supposed to go away for the weekend, but my husband threw his back out earlier this week. He wanted to go away anyway, but our plans were to go hiking, which would have been impossible. I'm actually glad we didn't go away since the heat and humidity has been so high this weekend, even if he was fine we would have been sitting in the hotel room. No way I could spend time outside in this weather. So we saved some money and went to a local museum instead... And watched the Olympics!

Well, thank you for visiting. Please leave a comment. Love reading them!